I Hate Myself So Much Right Now

Not because of my mom calling me a failure all the time, but because I'm whining. I HATE whiners yet here I have the audacity to post how I'm upset. There are so many more people out in the world who would love to have my life and I shouldn't whine, but I'm done and tired of it.

I'm upset because when I started OHdela I have been working my ass off like crazy trying to get good grades. I go to school for ten hours when five to six is needed per day. I beg teachers to give me practice work and extra credit work so I can get better and have better grades. So my mom will finally stop calling me a failure or that she'd stop telling me I'm a loser who'll end up as a pile of shit in life because I can't do anything good. I tried proving her wrong.
She is blind to all my hard work. I tell her too, at first I'd just nudge at it, then when I felt like she didn't get it I'd bluntly tell her. About my ten hour school days? "Becci only retards need that fucking much. Nobody stays in school that long. Get a fucking life."
My practice work and extra credit? "WELL you wouldn't NEED that extra credit or practice work if you would just get your ass into gear and work. See MANDY works very hard, SHE has to work twice as hard as YOU do to get where she is at now!"

No. She. Doesn't.
Mandy has OCD, not with just one topic or one thing, but with everything. It started really early for her in school and school ended up being her OCD topic. So she'd pay attention like crazy (Not because she wanted to or attempted to or did it to make my mom feel happy, but because her mental disorder did it all for her) and my mom acts as if Mandy actually does all this for her, when in reality Mandy doesn't really do anything. The OCD made her a zombie in her elementary years. She;d study not the topic the teacher was teaching, but EVERYTHING in or around that topic because her OCD was severe. With that she learned a lot.
Me? I was a retarded ADD kid who couldn't pay attention. But nobody paid attention to me anyway so nobody noticed it until one of my best teachers pointed it out.
I think mom has it a biiiit backwards. I work twice as hard to get where I am, Mandy has OCD. They only pity her because she couldn't read right in her beginning years and has scoliosis.
I know my sister better than anyone, she never hides anything from me because she knows nobody will beleive me if I tell anything bad about her.
The only bad thing in her life right now is her scoliosis. And it's not even severe.
Her reading, in ONE year went from "Horrible" to "Honors" not even fucking kidding. Know why? Got that right. Her OCD.

I wish I had OCD instead of ADD. Just imagine how psyched I'd be for tests because I already, well my OCD already studied it. My aunt is OCD, guess how rich sheeeee is? Yep. Rich enough to own mutliple houses, multiple rich cars, vacation homes, yachts, name it and she's got it.
Her type of OCD is Mandy's OCD.
I'm my mother's true daughter. My mom is excellent in literature but she lives a poor life. She has my exact personality. Hates men and almost everything else.
Tanna who is basically on par with my mom on the Ranks of Who Am I Most Like has been once diagnosed with ADD, guess where she's at? Poor life. She also has the same type of personality as me.
Now I know I might be an exception and I might make it out alive with a decent job, but you can NOT tell me Mandy is going to have a possibility of not being rich once in her lifetime. Her OCD is WAY too severe and it's like it won't allow that.

I wish me and her were twins so I had OCD. Only school OCD. My mom wouldn't call me a failure, I wouldn't have to take all these pills to fucking pay attention because my mind can't keep an attention span of nine milliseconds, I wouldn't be paranoid of dying on the streets, sand so much more.
I'm tired of me being made fun of by my family because I'm trying REALLY hard AGAINST ADD/ADHD with pills that need to be upped in the dosage, while my sister is congratulated when she has OCD which HELPS her to the poitn where she doens't need to do much.
I couldn't sleep last night so I have three hours of sleep to use on a major test I have today because my mom kept badgering me on how I'm a freak and a failure because I didn't want to attend public school and don't want to talk to people while I tried studying for tests and studying for classes in general. So my test means shit to her. My work means shit to her.
And it makes me cry so fucking hard because I do it for HER and only her. And she never fucking learns. Even when I tell her bluntly into her face.

I hate myself so bad for whining, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I feel like I'm going to puke and sorry for burdening you guys with this trash. I'll probably regret posting it later on.

Don't regret it.

Don't hate yourself for whining. everyone whines. Everyone needs to at one time or another.

I'm going to comment and this is probably going to be split into a few posts because i'm at school and don't have the whole world to post but here goes....

Don't get good grades, or study, or work hard for your mother. Work for you. Your the one that wants a better life, your the one that wants to do these things and get your life on tract. Don't let your mother take you down. Use her as an example of what NOT to be. Not to be poor and miserable, not to be cruel to your children.

Be who you are, not who people LIKE you are.

They are NOT you. you are you. So be yourself and forget them. your don't want to go to public school? hell i dont' either. You don't want to talk to be while studying. GOOD. you should study not bother with people who will only distract you.

Extra credic and more time you say? Freaking awesome! How bout think about it like this. Would teachers be there if it wasn't a good idea? Ask your teachers if its a good idea to work hard. You'll be ahead of the students in public schools before you know it.

And wasn't your mother happy you wanted to do this? Since you got a free laptop and all. But forget it. I shouldn't even say that because she has no right to make you feel this way!

I'll post more on the rest of the post later, i got to leave the site for a while.

But remember hunny, your wonderful, your amazing and beautiful and brilant. We all love you here, even if you don't listen to the rules all the time.

Just contact me in anyway [email, chat room, phone calls] if you need ANYTHING.

I'm here for you. Don't beat yourself up for whining.

Does this involve me as well Tema-Chan? because my mom is a duty when it comes to my grades....

Bexx is really upset :[ we gotta make her feel better!

You don't need OCD to achive what you want ADD & ADHD is just like Anger (Which it sounds like right now) Its powerful and if you find a way to syphon it you could be just as talented.Now i don't have ADD (as far as I know ) But its a gift make the most out of it

P.S. Forget your mom and NEVER REGRET posting anything were here for you! :3

Yeah becci. OCD may be your sisters blessing and ADD is your curse but look how brliant you are! You'll do just fine, I believe you wont end up like them and i know you'll surpase your sister. your a wonderful young woman and your not some lazy person with no goals in life. you set things for your self and you do them.

you may not pay attention all the time but you can get things done. that's more than a lot of people can say.

Wow im suprized i had that much compation left in me...but YA what she said.

Thanks you guys. I still feel kinda bad for whining and being a hypocrite.
I don't know how to make ADD a blessing I guess if I get a strong enough medicine for it I could do something.
I always give myself huge standards to do because I want to be great at something, not just good or okay. I want all this power in one subject and when I can't get to that power I feel worthless and then I fight myself.
I think it's that and how my life is contradictory all the time. I'll be an optimist for so many days, months or years, claiming this and that, I'll start off with low standards, then it fluctuates, then it goes down to being a pessimist who hates everything that moves or is within site, who gives themselves too high of standards to reach and thinks of the worst possible outcome.

So then I told a friend of mine about what I feel (She's majoring in psychology) and she told me it fit some of the symptoms to Bipolar disorder.
When I'm overly optimistic I guess it's called mania, EVERYTHING she stated was exactly how I felt during my optimistic mood. Except for hallucinations.

Quote :

• Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
  
• Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
  
• Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
  
• Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
  
• Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
  
• Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
  
• Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
  
• Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
  
• Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)

That's exactly what I do when I'm 'optimistic' without me hallucinating.

Quote :

• Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
  
• Irritability
  
• Inability to experience pleasure
  
• Fatigue or loss of energy
  
• Physical and mental sluggishness
  
• Appetite or weight changes
  
• Sleep problems
  
• Concentration and memory problems
  
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
  
• Thoughts of death or suicide

That's how I feel or act when I'm saddened except for the inexperiance of feeling pleasure and the thoughts of suicide and death.
But EVERYONE jumps the boat to "omg I have this! NO WAIT this! NO WAIT THAT ONE!" and they get hyped up on ALL these pills. Maybe I don't, there are SO many other diseases out there that can be similar to this one. And I don't want to be prescribed with a hxc mental disease. Mandy has OCD, my brother has Tourettes syndrom with Ticks and ugh. My mom assumes I came out normal and was the luckiest. And my brother's and sister's mental diseases don't physically harm them or make people assume they will harm themselves. If I do end up having Bipolar disorder, my mom will freak and think I'm suicidal, and when I tell her "No I'm not mom" she'll think my impaired judgement is coming up. Nobody will leave me alone. If I tell them to leave me alone they'd get scared thinking I was suicidal. I just don't want to think about it but it's a good possibilty I might be bipolar. And I DON'T want to be.

But I know it gets annoying as Hell when I go to chats with my friends and all I do is whine or state how I hate myself because I'm having a shift in my personality, and then days or months later come back to be all "omg I love my life!!!" they get confused and not to mention annoyed. It makes me look like an attention whore.
And if I was prescribed with it and told them so they could understand people pity me. "Oh no no no! I'll get it for you, it's aaaallllright." I saw it happen too many times with simple disorders, it's a problem with your moods, not a damn walking impairment.

I'll look into it. I want to come out normal, I don't want to have a mental disorder. I don't want to fluctuate like this all the time.

Quote :

and aggressive–picking fights, lashing out when others don’t go along with their plans, and blaming anyone who criticizes their behavior.

Kinda makes me remember fights I had in this site's chat. I DON'T know when to stop. Omfg the more I look into it the more I see myself being one.

But I ramble on and on about something stupid that I might not even have.
Thanks guys for taking time out of your lives and helping me. I feel bad because I would look at this for days and couldn't manage to come up with a thank you because I felt embarassed.

Id forget about all of it.Go with your instinces because that is Never impared and if it is Roll with it ."People in a cadilac can go throghe walls its just that some of them gets stuck on the other side" (Do i know what that means No but it felt right to say!)

I know your not like me but i'm going to tell you what i'd do -don't you hate when people say that?-

I live by instince. I don't go around thinking about all my choices, but i do a few. Most of the time i live by instice alone though. [ex. i eat meat raw and i like hunting with my bare hands yes i'm weird]

Don't worry about life as a whole, take each moment and give it what it needs.

also, don't feel like a hypocrite. Your not. You didn't whine, you spoke. Whining is when you go on and on for attention. You didn't do that. You let your words speak your feelings. Your no hypocrite

Unlike lady gaga

Okay, what about Lady GaGa? Sorry, My computer was down for several days I just got it up and working again yesterday. Wanna fill me in?

lady gaga has nothing to do with this forum -.-

Thats what I thought.

back to topic.

again, just live life your way bexx

Hue i don't remember typing that (Mabe on another topic thou)

exactly

thats what i do

(replying to angela)

Life can only be lived one of two ways.

your way, or everyone elses

yup. that about sums it up

live life your way and don't let others control you x.x its a lot funner that way!